A New Start
by bingblot
Summary: "She didn't do this sort of thing, just show up unannounced on a holiday, no less. And yet here she was, trying to make a gesture, show Castle what she couldn't quite say, that she wanted to break down her wall." A fluffy one-shot for the New Year, set in S4.


Author's Note: A short piece of fluff to start off the New Year.

 **A New Start**

She wasn't nervous.

Okay, fine, so she might be a little nervous. She didn't do this sort of thing, just show up unannounced on a holiday, no less. And yet here she was, trying to make a gesture, show Castle what she couldn't quite say, how she was trying, that she wanted to break down her wall.

But it was New Year's Eve, a good time to make changes and start something new. And Kate knew, because he had told her, that he didn't have any plans for New Year's Eve this year, would just spend it at home, maybe having a _Star Wars_ movie marathon with Alexis, he'd said.

Plus she'd missed him. She hadn't seen him in more than a week—first because of Christmas and then because he and Alexis had gone to California for a few days—which was the longest she'd gone without seeing him since… she'd returned to work in the fall. They had exchanged a few text messages but it wasn't the same, wasn't enough. And it was really almost ridiculous how much she'd missed him in that time. She had obviously gone much longer than a week without seeing Castle before—the last two summers came to mind—but now, now that she was finally able to admit to herself that she loved him—she just missed him _more_.

These days, she always missed him when he wasn't around. It was something she'd started to become accustomed to, the way she missed him all the time it seemed. Her apartment had never seemed so empty, so lonely, before but these days, every time she returned to it, the emptiness of it seemed to strike her in the face. She'd never thought she was a fanciful person but she found her mind automatically conjuring his image up, picturing him in her apartment with her. She pictured him lounging on her couch rather as he had that night in her old apartment when Scott Dunn had been threatening her, sitting opposite her as she ate takeout for dinner. Sometimes, ridiculously, she even found herself automatically orienting towards the empty space beside her—only to catch herself and feel a sharp pang of longing and regret twist through her. That she wasn't whole yet, was still struggling. Wasn't where she wanted to be, for him, for them.

So this—going over to his place armed with a bottle of champagne—was an excuse to see him without waiting until the New Year. She didn't want to wait another few days to see him.

It had been bad enough just knowing he'd been out of town—knowing there were so many miles separating them—Castle having gone to LA with Alexis to see Meredith (and meet with the studio about the Nikki Heat movie that the higher-ups were considering pulling from theatrical release and just having it go straight to DVD instead). Plus, he had pouted when he'd been telling her (whining, really, playing it up in typical Castle fashion), "Paula scheduled two book signings for me too so it'll really be a working trip for me. But on the plus side, it means I'll probably barely see Meredith at all."

Kate had studiously kept her expression neutral but she couldn't help but feel a little flicker of something she didn't want to admit might be pleasure at the news that he wouldn't be spending any time with Meredith (and that he was happy about it). Not because she thought (feared) that he would sleep with Meredith again but a tiny, unworthy part of her just… didn't like the idea of Castle spending time with any woman, let alone an ex of his. After what had happened with Gina last summer—after Serena Kaye… she was… a little sensitive when it came to Castle and any other woman. (Oh fine, she was jealous.)

"But don't worry, Beckett, I won't be gone long. Alexis and I will be back on the 30th."

She had quirked a teasing brow at him. "Who says I was worried? Maybe I'm looking forward to getting some peace and quiet."

He'd made a face at her and laughed it off but she'd felt a quick pang of something like guilt. Because she always did this too. She made a joke, teased him, hid her feelings behind humor. It was instinctive, automatic, but she realized she didn't want to do that anymore. She shouldn't have to do that anymore. Right?

It had bothered her, a niggling feeling that kept returning to her throughout the day, enough that when Dr. Burke had asked her, as he usually did at the start of her usual session with him that evening, "So what's on your mind, Kate?" she had blurted out, "Castle's leaving."

Dr. Burke hadn't blinked an eye—he never really reacted to anything she said—he really must be an amazing poker player—but she'd winced, the blunt words causing a tug of fear that they might one day be true, and hurriedly explained, "Just for a few days. He's taking his daughter out to California to see her mother. He'll be back though."

"I see. And this is troubling you?"

"No. Well, yes," she'd corrected herself, getting up to pace as she usually did when she was trying to work through her jumbled emotions. "I just, well, I'm going to miss him," she'd finally admitted, in a mumble. And how pathetic was she, that she couldn't even say those words aloud with any ease to her therapist when Castle wasn't around, let alone admit as much to Castle himself?

"That's perfectly natural, to miss someone you care about when they go on a trip. Did you tell him you'd miss him?"

"No," she admitted, rather shamefacedly. "I… made a joke instead. And he knew I was teasing but I just…"

"You just what, Kate?" Dr. Burke prompted when she trailed off.

"I… chickened out." Because that was what she had done, wasn't it? What she was always doing, really. Maybe it wasn't conscious on her part most of the time but it was, at base, what she was doing, why she was deflecting, hiding. She was afraid. Just as Castle had accused her of being in that terrible fight in her apartment last May.

"You told me that you're afraid of letting your mom down," Dr. Burke responded gently. "What is it you're afraid of when it comes to Castle?"

Ouch. Damn it, why couldn't Dr. Burke ask her any easy questions? "I'm afraid… of letting him down too… Afraid I can't be… good enough…" she faltered. "I'm afraid of losing him." Because that was really what it came down to. Regardless of the reason, she was afraid of losing him. Losing him because she wasn't enough, losing him because he might get tired of dealing with her darkness and her weakness, losing him to the danger that was her job.

"Kate, I asked you before whether you were more afraid that he will wait for you or that he won't. You didn't answer then. Do you have an answer now?"

"I…" Damn it, another hard question. Could Dr. Burke never ask her something she was sure of? This was why she tended to dread these sessions. They might help but they also made her feel like she was being forced to turn herself inside out.

But… she thought about the way she'd felt when Castle had mentioned that he was going out to California to see Meredith—because he had, at first, phrased it like that before he'd quickly backtracked to clarify that he was taking Alexis out to see Meredith.

"I'm more afraid that he won't wait for me," she admitted slowly. She remembered how she'd felt watching Castle walk away from her with Gina and she hadn't been in love with him then, not really. Last year, she had waited too long to accept Castle's invitation to the Hamptons, waited too long to accept any of Castle's invitations really, turned him down again and again.

And she still was.

She paused at the thought, the realization. Oh god. What was that saying, that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

That was what she was doing, wasn't it? Yes, she had her reasons (excuses?) but in the end, she was still making Castle wait. Putting him off, obliquely discouraging him—just as she had last year by starting her ill-advised flirtation with Demming, by staying in her relationship with Josh long after she'd known that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, by telling Castle that she wasn't ready to be in another relationship yet.

For the first time, she looked at the situation—the history of their relationship—from a distance, considered how she might react if she were in Castle's shoes. She would have given up long ago but Castle—persistent optimist that he was—had more patience, more determination, more strength than she had ever given him credit for. More than she did.

But she could do better. She would do better.

She wasn't one for New Year's resolutions but, well, she was trying to be better, putting in the work, one foot in front of the other, and this was part of that. A resolution not for the new year but for life.

One step forward to try to show him what he meant to her.

Her heart was beating too fast but she took a breath, stiffening her spine, and lifted her hand to knock on his door.

It was probably only a few seconds, less than a minute, but to her over-sensitized nerves, it seemed like an hour before the door swung open and she saw him. Dressed casually in jeans and a soft wool sweater in a dark maroon color that made his eyes appear even more vibrantly blue in contrast. He looked… big and broad and… cozy in a way she hadn't really considered. She had a sudden vivid mental picture of herself curled up against his chest, wrapped in his arms, comfortable, cosseted. Herself wearing the same sweater, drowning in its bulk.

Oh.

When had she turned into one of those women, who would like wearing her significant other's clothing? She'd never really understood the appeal before but suddenly she did, could imagine being surrounded by his scent lingering in the fabric like a constant embrace. (Also, she could imagine how he would enjoy seeing her wear his clothes.)

Oh, shit, she really had it bad, didn't she?

"Beckett!" Surprise, pleasure, and a little bit of confusion chased their way across his features.

She gamely managed a casual smile. "Hey, Castle. I thought I might crash your movie marathon for New Year's since I don't have anything else planned. If that's okay with you," she added.

He blinked and then blurted out in a rush, as if he thought she might change her mind if he didn't answer fast enough, "Of course, you know you're always welcome." He stepped back and waved her in.

"Thanks." She lifted the little bag with the bottle of champagne. "I brought champagne, for later."

He smiled—no, that wasn't right, he _beamed_ , practically lit up as if illuminated from within. Her heart fluttered a little because, oh god, if this was how happy and excited he looked just from the simple thing of her coming over…

"So where are Alexis and Martha?" she asked, glancing around the quiet loft. He'd said he planned to spend the evening with Alexis but the teenager was nowhere in sight.

"They're out." He pulled a face of mock woe. "They both deserted me tonight, my mother for a party and Alexis for a sleepover at her friend Paige's house."

They were alone then. She hadn't exactly expected that but she found she didn't mind it either. Oh, who was she kidding, she was glad of it. "You didn't feel like going out too? Doesn't the mayor usually throw a big party for New Year's?" She knew the mayor had thrown a party last year and Castle had gone with Gina. She'd seen a small blurb in the paper about it the next day that mentioned Castle as one of the guests.

"He does but I'd already RSVP'd that I wouldn't come and while I suppose I could have crashed the party, I didn't feel like it." He shrugged with elaborate nonchalance. "Besides, I hate going to parties alone."

Something like elation made her heart lift. He was Richard Castle. She didn't doubt that if he wanted to, he could have found a date to accompany him but he hadn't.

She quelled the butterflies erupting in her belly. "You could've asked me."

He stopped and turned to stare at her, his eyebrows flying towards his hairline. "I… uh… thought you'd probably need to work," he almost croaked, although she could tell that he was trying and failing to sound casual. As if she hadn't just volunteered her willingness to be his date to a party one day.

She made herself hold his gaze. "No, I don't usually work on New Year's." Because she always volunteered to work Christmas instead, she was basically forbidden from working New Year's. Only rookies were required to work both the major winter holidays but after that, the NYPD frowned on people working both.

"I'll keep that in mind then." The words were commonplace but his look, his tone, were not, spoke volumes for his hope, his love.

"After all, what else are friends for?" A sudden flare of panic had the words spilling from her lips before she'd thought. The light in his eyes dimmed. Shit. She kept on doing this, she thought, mentally kicking herself. Why oh why couldn't she seem to get this right, stop being such a coward? Why couldn't she stop hurting him?

"Everything's ready for a movie night, I see," she rushed ahead. "What are you planning to watch? Still _Star Wars_ or did you decide to watch something else? I haven't watched any of the _Star Wars_ movies all the way through in years but I'm fine with anything really." Great, now she was practically babbling.

He blinked, his expression fractionally easing. "Still _Star Wars_ , if you're okay with that."

"The original trilogy, right?"

That restored him to himself a little as he huffed. "What do you take me for, Beckett? Of course the original trilogy. I have better taste than to want to watch the prequels again."

She shot him a teasing smile. "Of course, excuse me for doubting, Mr. Sci Fi Maven."

He gave a mock inclination of his head. "Forgiven. I have popcorn and do you want wine? We can save the champagne for midnight?"

"That sounds good to me."

Castle puttered around in the kitchen while Kate settled onto the couch, feeling herself relaxing. She felt at home here in the loft and that meant something too. Gave her more confidence that this between them would work, that they fit.

She could do this. Show Castle what he meant to her. She didn't need the words exactly; actions spoke louder anyway.

He returned in a minute handing her a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn and then went back to the kitchen for his own glass.

Her resolution in mind, she balanced the bowl of popcorn on her own lap so that Castle sat down next to her, his shoulder brushing against hers.

He glanced at her. "Ready?"

"Go ahead."

He pressed play and the familiar music and introduction sequence started scrolling across the screen.

They finished the popcorn within the first hour of the movie and Kate straightened up, leaning over to put the empty bowl on the coffee table. And afterwards, she not-quite-accidentally settled back, shifting just a smidgen until she was leaning against him, her head resting on his shoulder.

Mm, this was comfy. Why hadn't she tried this sooner? He felt solid and strong, his body radiating warmth.

She sensed or heard the faint hitch in his breath, felt the tension abruptly humming through his body, but he didn't otherwise react or move, held himself as still as if she were a wild animal who might startle at the slightest movement. Which, she thought with a little pang, might not be that far from the truth as far as he was concerned.

Was this what she had done to him, made him so uncertain where she was concerned? This man, who had done so much to heal her heart, made her hope again, whereas she… had hurt him over and over again.

This was why she needed to do better, not only because it was New Year's or because she wanted it but because he deserved it. After all this time, he deserved to know that… she loved him too.

She stayed where she was and gradually, she felt his tension ease. By the time the movie ended, she was nestled against him and she felt distinctly disgruntled that the end of the movie had him shifting, gently dislodging her head from its home on his shoulder, so he could get up to switch DVD's.

"Do you want more wine?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

"Sure, a little more would be nice."

While he retreated into the kitchen to refill their glasses, she took the opportunity to use the restroom and wash her hands, still a little greasy from the buttered popcorn.

Kate returned to the couch and Castle joined her a moment later, handing her glass of wine to her, before sitting down beside her but this time, he carefully kept a tiny sliver of space between their bodies, not even an inch, but something. Oh, he really was so tentative when it came to her, trying so hard to give her the time and space he thought she wanted, needed.

She suddenly found herself remembering what he'd said to her during the Jack Coonan case almost two years ago. _I will do anything that you need, including nothing, if that's what you want._

And he was still trying to keep that promise. Just weeks ago, during the sniper case, she had thanked him for it too, giving her space to work through her issues.

Space—always so much space between them—and she was abruptly tired of it. She wanted this, wanted to be with him. Why did they need to wait with her spending solitary evenings in her apartment missing him while he was in his loft, waiting for her? She might still have a wall, might still be struggling, but maybe, maybe, they could struggle and move forward together…

Deliberately, without even trying to mask her intent this time, she shifted over on the couch until she was once more leaning against him.

She waited for a few minutes, wondering, hoping, that he would respond, take a chance, put his own arm around her or something, but he didn't. He remained still. He wasn't going to push.

Time to be clearer then. This was what she'd planned, to show him, right?

The movie was playing but she hadn't paid attention to any of it and anyway, it wasn't as if they both weren't familiar with it already. Knowing Castle, she was reasonably sure that he could probably quote the entire _Star Wars_ trilogy's dialogue from memory.

She turned her head up, stretching just a little to brush her lips against his chin, the skin of his jaw rough with the faint shadow of his evening stubble.

He sucked in a sharp breath and now he moved, almost jerking his head to look at her, his eyes wide. Hope and caution and desire warred for dominance in his expression.

"Kate."

Her heart flipped inside her chest at the huskiness of his voice pronouncing her first name.

He swallowed. "What… uh… what are you doing?"

Amusement, mingled in with something dangerously close to tenderness, bubbled up inside her. He was kind of adorable when he was flustered. "Do I need to draw you a diagram?" she teased. "I'm trying to make a move."

On the words, she leaned forward, aiming to kiss him again, but he jerked back. "Beckett, wait."

 _Beckett._ For just about the first time in her memory, the sound of her name on his lips struck her as being harsh. He was calling her Beckett again, not Kate. (Why did that hurt?)

"I thought… we can't do this if…" He trailed off and she swore her heart seemed to stop, a flicker of doubt breaking into her hopefulness. Had she misunderstood him so completely?

"If you're not sure, if you're not really ready… I thought… we were waiting… your wall…" he clarified.

He needed words too, didn't he? He was a writer and after all, part of their problem until now was that they hadn't really talked about this, them. Relied on subtext and gestures, the unspoken.

She hadn't planned for this, planned the words. She floundered for a moment, saw the way the hope in his eyes dimmed with every passing second, and she rushed ahead. "Do you have a New Year's resolution, goals to accomplish?" she blurted out.

It wasn't what she needed to say but it was a start, right? A conversational segue, as blunt as it was.

He blinked at the seeming non sequitur but, being Castle, he answered readily enough. "Not really, just, you know, my perennial quest to break my current record for how many pencils I can balance between my nose and my lip."

A little huff of laughter escaped her. Oh, this silly, endearing man. It was so like him to crack a joke, even at a time like this—maybe especially at a time like this, trying to lighten the mood, help her relax. And somehow it worked. It helped. _He_ helped.

"A lofty goal."

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "I'm ambitious like that."

She met his eyes, let the warmth in them, the glints of humor still dancing in them, give her more courage. "My goal for the new year is you." Poetry it was not. She didn't have his gift for words and not for the first time, she hated her own hamstrung tongue but from the way his mouth parted, his eyes flaring with so much emotion she felt heat creep into her cheeks, he didn't seem to care or notice. She forged ahead, her tongue loosened by the dawning happiness of his expression. Finally, after so long, she was somehow getting things right. "I'm still working on things, to get better, be better… but I was thinking… New Year's is a good time to make a change and maybe, if you don't mind, we could work on taking down my wall together?"

"Yes," he blurted out almost before she'd finished speaking. "Of course, yes."

A smile broke free, fireworks of hope and happiness sparking in her chest. "So now will you let me kiss you?"

He gave a brief laugh and then he tugged her in until she was pressed against him, his lips finding hers. He tasted of wine and Castle, the well-remembered taste of him from their first kiss almost a year ago, and oohhh, as he nipped lightly at her lower lip and then soothed it with his tongue, she suddenly wondered how she'd ever managed to go almost a year without this, without kissing Castle. Never mind, she'd just need to make sure that she never went so much as a day without kissing Castle ever again.

The kiss finally gentled and he pressed a few soft kisses, more tender than passionate, against her lips before he drew back.

"Best New Year's kiss ever," he said a little breathlessly.

She felt herself flush. "Yeah?" Oh god, was that really her voice, sounding almost… shy and girlish and all the things she normally never was? (What this man could do to her…)

"You know it was." A faint spark of humor lit his eyes, tugged at the corner of his lips. "Although most people wait until midnight for the New Year's kiss."

She tried to narrow her eyes at him. "I could just wait another hour before I kiss you again," she teased. She doubted it but she had to say something.

"No, don't do that. I've decided patience is overrated."

"Tired of waiting?" She tried to sound light but he must have heard the little remnants of her old fear that he would get tired of waiting for her bleed into her voice.

He sobered, his hand lifting to cup her cheek. "You're worth waiting a very long time for, Kate."

She slid her arms around his neck, settling fully against him, closing the scant distance between them until their breaths mingled and she could see the darker flecks in the blue of his eyes. "No more waiting, Castle. I want everything with you."

And she just saw the flare of joy in his eyes before she kissed him, sank into the thrill of his kiss, slow and sweet and devastating.

Yeah, this was definitely what she wanted, not just for the New Year, but for the rest of her life.

 _~The End~_

 _A/N 2: Wishing everyone all the best in 2018!_


End file.
